Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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