I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
