i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
