I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
