My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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