I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
