I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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