He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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