you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
