I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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