My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
