People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
