I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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