PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
