did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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