Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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