My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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