I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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