you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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