Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
