What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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