cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
