did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
