I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
