i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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