but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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