If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
