yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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