Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
