my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
