Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
We just shotgunned beers for America
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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