Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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