I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
