I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls