Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
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