Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You are the jesus of drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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