I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
