please come you make the beer taste better
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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