btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
