I wish I could teleport
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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