When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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