if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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