Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
someone threw a dead crab at me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
