I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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