dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
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Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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