i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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