is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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