Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
