there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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