I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
