You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
