On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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