When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
