If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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