So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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