My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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