yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
