im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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