Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
